Tuesday, April 26, 2011

How To Survive A Horror Movie!

I am a movie buff. This is probably something everyone in the office knows about me. I watch way too many movies! Being a child of the 90's I was a huge fan of the Scream franchise, along with every other cheesy horror movie that has come along since. So when I saw the trailer for Scream 4, there was no doubt in my mind that I would be back in the theaters to witness the return of "ghostface." 

I was extremely pleased with the movie, as well as the nostalgia it brought back. But I couldn't help but use my Red Cross preparedness and disaster survival skills to think about what I would do if I were the star of my own horror movie. So here it is, my Red Cross Horror Movie Survival list! Follow these guidelines and hopefully you can join me in the sequel!

1. Firstly, never drink or do drugs.

2. Never say that "you'll be right back" because you won't be.

3. Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis. Further, you should have a first aid kit in the car to assist those in need. Just because there is a murderer on the loose doesn't mean you lose your humanitarian compassion!

4. When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!

5. If you are carrying a flashlight, please have spare batteries on hand, because you know the flashlight will inevitably die right before you find what you're looking for!

6. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

7. Does no one remember what they learned in their Health & Safety Course? Call 9-1-1. This seems to always be the last priority on everyone's list. No one will save you, unless you call them!

8. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away. Unless you see a Red Cross shelter, then it's safe to assume that the entire town is there receiving food, shelter, and compassion from whatever mayhem has just occurred.

9. Always check the back seat of your car, and listen to your radio! The music will always foreshadow what's to come, or perhaps search for a emergency broadcast. No one has ever survived by sobbing in silence.

10. If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.

11. Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.

12. Take heed of all warnings from animals. They usually know more than you do. Keep your pets safe by receiving training in Pet First Aid and CPR.

13. Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.

14. Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Woodsboro, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.

16. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any (possibly deathly) device made from deceased companions. However, do have First Aid training to save your slow running friend should they not be so lucky!

17. Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

18. When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway. (See Red Cross Zombie Preparedness Kit)

19. Never say "Who's there?" Its a death wish.

20.If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back in the sequel and kick butt, no explanation needed.

Remember your local Red Cross Chapter can help you be as prepared as you can be with all of our Health & Safety training. Good luck, and we hope to see you in the sequel!